Subject: Hotel Room Reservation
Dear General Manager,
I would like to stay at the Royal Lahaina Resort for seven nights, arriving May 1, 2018. However, I have a health condition that makes it difficult for me to travel. I suffer from narcolepsy. I have a rare form of the disorder where I fall asleep ten times a day for an hour or more, and then I’m awake all night. I was first afflicted with narcolepsy in 1999 while saying my wedding vows to my bride. Sadly, when I woke up, my bride was gone!
As a person with a disability, I have a special request I hope you can accommodate. I have a stock prodder that is clipped to a gold chain around my neck. If any of your staff find me sleeping, they will need to shock me with it until I regain consciousness. It is very easy to do! Just turn on the switch, and press it firmly against my triceps until I open my eyes. If your staff find me face-down, the safest place to do it is on my buttocks. However, there is no need to pull my pants down. That would be embarrassing.
I usually wake up within a minute or two, but if I seem disoriented, or groan and moan, I would like the staff member to ask me: “Are you fully conscious Mr. Tuckerman”? If I respond, “Yes, I am fully conscious!”, then there is no need to shock me again. However, if I utter anything else—especially profanity—I will need another shock.
A stock prodder is normally used to move stubborn farm animals, but it is the only thing that will wake me up. If you shake me or shout in my ear, I will only mumble incoherent words, or repeat one word endlessly. I’ve been told it’s really creepy!
I assume full responsibility for my health from the use of the stock prodder, and will present you with a signed waiver when I check in. If you have any doubts about the safety of the device, product details are available at this link: https://am.gallagher.com/media/5095/3e3131_stock_prod_range_brochure_nz.pdf
Your staff may feel reluctant at first to shock me, but most learn to really enjoy it, especially after a stressful day. One housekeeper told me that after a day of cleaning toilets, and dealing with whiny guests who think they deserve to be treated like kings and queens, shocking me was a total pleasure! Sometimes I go out with the staff member after, buy them a beer, and we take a few selfies.
As an extra incentive, I will give a ten-dollar gratuity to each staff member who shocks me. If you can accommodate this request, please email me your nightly rate at your earliest convenience. It costs a lot to fly to Hawaii, so I want to be fully conscious and enjoy every minute of it. As a narcoleptic, I live by this motto: Life is better when you’re wide awake!