Two Reasons Why I Can’t Marry You

marriage proposal rejection

Subject: Your Marriage Proposal

Dearest Martha,

As you know, I’ve always prided myself on being honest. And the honest truth is I love you. I really do. You are so kind and giving, a she-animal in the bedroom, and you make me feel so loved. I love you so much that if you were swimming in a South American river, and a school of hungry piranhas came after you, I would jump in the river, and fight them off with my bare hands. I would be eaten alive by piranhas if I could protect you from harm. That’s the honest truth!

Although I’ve always been honest with you, Martha, there is something important I’ve never told you. A year before we met, I was engaged to a young woman named Suzie. We planned a large wedding, and arranged for a priest to perform the ceremony. But then something terrible happened. Her former boyfriend, who was thought to have died in a tuna fishing accident, wasn’t dead after all! Pulled overboard by the tuna, he hit his head on the edge of the boat, and, barely conscious, floated for hours in his life jacket until he was picked up by Jamaican fishermen.

The day before our wedding, Suzie’s boyfriend came back from Jamaica, and she ran off with him! Needless to say, I was devastated. But thank God, a year later, you came into my life and took that pain away. You made me whole again.

I love you, Martha, and would die for you, but I must say no to your proposal of marriage, and there are two reasons why:

First, after my failed relationship with Suzie, I can’t risk the pain of rejection again. If we got married, and you divorced me—or ran off with another man—I don’t know what I would do. I might jump off a bridge! I’m afraid of getting hurt again. A coward is what I am, but I can’t endure the pain of rejection from a woman I love.

Second, and most importantly, although I love you now, how can I know that I will always feel this way? What if I woke up one day I was no longer in love with you? My Uncle Jim told me that if you choose to love your wife every day, and do good to her, the feelings of love will always flow. Uncle Jim endured 40 years of marriage to a nasty, self-centered woman until he died of a heart attack.

Uncle Jim was a saint, but he was wrong about love. Love is a feeling you have no choice in. You either feel it for your partner, or you don’t. If I fell out of love with you, how could I stay married to you? It would be like a prison sentence I could never endure!

Because love is an unstable emotion, how can I with integrity stand before a priest and make a promise that I will be with you for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part? If I made that promise, and later divorced you, that would make me a liar. But I’m not a liar. I’m honest Roger! I always tell the truth, and never make a promise I don’t intend to keep.

No, my dear Martha, I love you too much to make a false promise that I would marry you and never leave you. I love you now, and I am 99.9% certain I will love you tomorrow, next week, and even next month. But as far as next year goes, I have no idea. I don’t have a crystal ball!

However, I do have a counter-proposal. Why don’t I move into your apartment? We can split the rent, and buy groceries together. We will both save money and have a better quality of life. And by living together, we can discover if we have any annoying habits that might make us incompatible. Wouldn’t this be a safer and more sensible approach than the outdated institution of marriage? We will be together for as long as both of us are happy.

Let me know what you think of my proposal. I can’t wait to hear!

Love and kisses,



Banning Best Friends at School

banning best friends

Subject: Registering my Son for Grade Four

Dear Principal,

I would like to enroll my son Bart at Darwin Elementary for grade four, beginning September 2018. However, I am only willing to enroll him if you implement a no-best-friend policy for his class. The school my son currently attends allows children to have a best friend, and this has made Bart feel excluded. He is the only child in the class without any friends, and has been unfairly stigmatized as a bully.

Bart is not a bully, but he is a big boy. He’s nine-years-old and weighs 120 pounds. He’s heavier than average because I let him eat whatever he wants and as much as he wants, two cultural practices passed down to me from my Italian mother, who learned the same from her mother, who learned the same from her mother.

Unfortunately, my son has been rejected by his classmates because of his weight. If you contact his school, they will tell you he is unpopular because he often sits on a boy at lunch hour. However, Bart only does this because he wants the boy he sits on to be his best friend. Sadly, all the boys have rejected him.

All the girls in his class have rejected him too. If you contact his school, they will tell you it is because he chases the girls at lunch hour, and when he catches one, he asks her to be his girlfriend. Unfortunately, they all said no, laughed at him, and said he was too fat. Naturally, this was very damaging to his self-esteem, so he pulled his pants down and mooned them.

My son is an unpopular boy, but I hope Darwin Elementary can be a place where he can find love and acceptance, and not be labelled a bully. I believe that a public school should be founded on progressive values, and practice inclusion.

As a case in point, Prince William and Kate Middleton enrolled their son George at Thomas’s Battersea, a school which has a no-best-friend policy. Thomas’s Battersea is a shining light, a moral example to the entire world. If one child cannot have a best friend, then no child should be allowed to have one. All children should be equal, and not have special privileges!

Thank you for considering my request for a no-best-friend policy, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

Driving the Devil out of Detroit

devil detroit

Subject: Request for a Business License

Dear Mayor Mike Duggan,

Detroit is one of the most dangerous cities in American to live in, with 11,486 violent crimes reported in 2015. Detroit is also on the top-10 list of American cities with the highest tax rates. Despite these negatives, I’m an entrepreneur who wants to bring hope to your once-great city. I am requesting a business license to open a retail store called Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms.

For the past two years, I have been trained by the world’s finest exorcists at the Vatican. I learned how to drive demons out of people, in both Latin and English, and was sent on many missions throughout Eastern Europe. I witnessed some shocking and unbelievable things: Demon-possessed people foamed at the mouth; their chairs elevated a foot off the floor; and they said nasty things about my mother, even though they’ve never met her.

My experience with the demon-possessed has given me a unique business idea. I want to open a cookie shop in Detroit with a side room where exorcisms will be performed. Customers can sit at tables, eat a Bible-themed cookie, and watch a live exorcism through a floor-to-ceiling, plexiglass window. Plexiglass is strong, shatter-proof, and safe, so the demon-possessed won’t endanger anyone eating a cookie.

I am confident that the combination of cookies and exorcisms will ensure a broad customer base. I plan to charge $50.00 for a half-hour exorcism, which is cheaper than a massage. A massage is good for the body, but an exorcism is good for the soul and mind! All the exorcisms will be filmed, and the customer will be given a digital copy, so they can share it with family and friends, and upload it to YouTube. These videos will bring hope to the oppressed people of Detroit.

I believe Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms will help reduce the violent crime rate in your city. I’m not naïve though. I know that people have free will, and they commit crimes because they lack a deep moral conviction of right and wrong. But in my experience in performing exorcisms, I also know that the Devil deceives people that evil is good, and good is evil. My cookie shop will be a house of deliverance. I will get the demons out of Detroit, one citizen at a time.

I am planning to fly to Detroit in November, and if you would like an exorcism, I would be happy to perform one for you in your office, free of charge. In my experience, most politicians need an exorcism. Like the Devil, they lie, make false promises, and only tell people what they want to hear. I guarantee that after a half-hour session, you will feel like a whole new person!

Thank you for considering my request for a business license, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. If you can provide any tax incentives to help this new business succeed, it would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

A Shocking Stay at a Hawaiian Resort

narcolepsy narrow

Subject: Hotel Room Reservation

Dear General Manager,

I would like to stay at the Royal Lahaina Resort for seven nights, arriving May 1, 2018. However, I have a health condition that makes it difficult for me to travel. I suffer from narcolepsy. I have a rare form of the disorder where I fall asleep ten times a day for an hour or more, and then I have insomnia all night! I was first afflicted with narcolepsy in 1999 while saying my wedding vows to my bride. Sadly, when I woke up, my bride was gone!

As a person with a disability, I have a special request I hope you can accommodate. I have a stock prodder that is clipped to a gold chain around my neck. If any of your staff find me sleeping, they will need to shock me with it until I regain consciousness. It is very easy to do! Just turn on the switch, and press it firmly against my triceps until I open my eyes. If your staff find me face-down, the safest place to do it is on my buttocks. However, there is no need to pull my pants down. That would be embarrassing.

I usually wake up within a minute or two, but if I seem disoriented, or groan and moan, I would like the staff member to ask me: “Are you fully conscious Mr. Tuckerman”? If I respond, “Yes, I am fully conscious!”, then there is no need to shock me again. However, if I utter anything else—especially profanity—I will need another shock.

A stock prodder is normally used to move stubborn farm animals, but it is the only thing that will wake me up. If you shake me or shout in my ear, I will only mumble incoherent words, or repeat one word endlessly. I’ve been told it’s really creepy!

I assume full responsibility for my health from the use of the stock prodder, and will present you with a signed waiver when I check in. If you have any doubts about the safety of the device, product details are available at this link:

Your staff may feel reluctant at first to shock me, but most learn to really enjoy it, especially after a stressful day. One housekeeper told me that after a day of cleaning toilets, and dealing with whiny guests who think they deserve to be treated like kings and queens, shocking me was a total pleasure! Sometimes I go out with the staff member after, buy them a beer, and we take a few selfies.

As an extra incentive, I will give a ten-dollar gratuity to each staff member who shocks me! If you can accommodate this request, please email me your nightly rate at your earliest convenience. It costs a lot to fly to Hawaii, so I want to be fully conscious and enjoy every minute of it. As a narcoleptic, I live by this motto: Life is better when you’re wide awake!

Sincerely yours,

Roger Tuckerman