A Dinner Reservation for a Narcissist

narcissism

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: seattle@ilfo.com
Subject: Dinner Reservation at Il Fornaio

Dear General Manager,

I’m flying to Seattle on December 1st to celebrate my 40th birthday, and would like to make a reservation for 7 o’clock. However, I have a list of requests that I hope you can accommodate to make a memorable evening.

First, I do not want a corner table. I feel very alone and isolated when I sit in the corner. I would like a table in an open area, preferably in the center of the restaurant.

Second, I would like to have your finest server take my order.

I’m requesting your finest server because I’ve had many negative experiences of inadequate service in restaurants, and I can’t risk this happening on my 40th birthday. I recently went to a restaurant in Vancouver, BC, and the server sat me at a corner table behind a fern tree, and then she forgot all about me!

Third, I would like to order a birthday cake with 40 candles and “Happy 40th Birthday You Very Sexy Man!” written on it. For the icing, any color is fine except pink or sarcoline. Please make sure the cake is large enough for all your staff to have at least one piece. I want everyone to remember me!

Fourth, when the cake is delivered to my table, I would like the servers to gather in a circle and sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. Tuckerman” to me, and then shout out loud: “You are amazing!” And for each server that sings, I will tip them a dollar in appreciation.

Fifth, and finally, after dessert, I would like to use a karaoke machine. I will have it delivered to your restaurant the day before. My girlfriend (who I hope soon to make my fiancé) will be travelling with me, and I want to surprise her by singing a few songs. She knows nothing of my plans for my 40th birthday. After my last song, I’m going to propose to her!

I know your patrons will love my performance. I used to be an Elvis impersonator in my home town of Falkland, BC, singing every weekend at the Falkland Pub. The local ladies found me irresistible in my younger years, especially when I sang “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” They couldn’t help but fall in love with me! Needless to say, I never went home alone.

If you can accommodate these requests, please confirm my reservation at your earliest convenience. However, if you are unable to, can you recommend another restaurant for me?

Sincerely yours,

Roger Tuckerman

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14 thoughts on “A Dinner Reservation for a Narcissist

  1. Absolutely delicious. I devoured your piece and found myself laughing out loud; thanks!!!
    I’m looking forward to what you write next.

    Have a great weekend. ~Mama T

    Liked by 1 person

  2. To be fair, many politicians want to serve the people and want to enact laws that protect their citizens. Also, there are many actors who simply enjoy their craft. I would say, however, there is a huge population of narcissists among Evangelical leaders, especially those with fame, power and notoriety. While their words spout credit to Jesus and they claim to do things in His Name and by His will, the promote themselves overall.

    Like

  3. You’re making me think of conversations Sarge and I had that could sound fictional because they are so crazy and unbelievable!! It’s almost like it’s impossible to be completely satire-like when writing about narcissists because they are such huge characters anyway!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you, Woody! That is a very good observation: “a request, not a demand.” I could have made Roger demanding, but I wanted the reader to like him. I tried to create a sense of “superficial charm.”

    Like

  5. I think it was a wonderful message, particular, but wonderful.
    Mainly because it was polite enough to ASK, not to tell. The timetables and pressures of business can be exhausting, I know this.
    I was in management at a Red Rooster store, for those from other countries, this is a fast-food place in my country selling chicken and chips, roasted not fried (Delicious!).
    Upon receiving such a message at this time, as much as I may or may not have appreciated the sentiment, business needs and policy decisions, involving communications with my area manager would have decided how I responded to the request.
    But that’s what I liked about it, very particular, but still a request, not a demand. I like it.

    All the best,
    Woody

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As a US citizen, this sounds all too familiar. Of course, anyone reading the news of this country would find narcissism as a familiar topic. Well done, sir.

    Liked by 1 person

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