Subject: Letter to the Editor
I love getting the flu! When I’m coughing, groaning, or hurling, I’m thankful for the days when I felt great.
Getting the flu is a blessing in disguise because I work for the government and receive sick pay. I lay on the couch (at the taxpayer’s expense) and watch Netflix all day!
A third reason I love getting the flu is I always have a religious experience. Nothing makes me cry out to God more than when I feel like Hell!
If you’re like me, and want to be infected with the flu virus, I would like to share a helpful tip: Shake as many hands as possible! When I meet people in nightclubs, churches, and elevators I always reach out and shake their hand. My odds of getting the flu greatly increases, especially if they didn’t wash their hands!
A 2015 survey of 100,000 Europeans found that 40 per cent of women and 62 per cent of men don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. This means that if you shake the hand of someone who is infected with a flu virus, the odds are 50-50 you will get it too!
However, if you’re not like me, and don’t want to get the flu, then you shouldn’t shake anyone’s hand. Instead, if someone extends their hand to you, clench your fist, and give them a fist bump. A recent study found that a fist bump is 20 times more hygienic than a handshake.