Subject: Letter to the Editor
I have a dream that one day people in our city will no longer shake each other’s hands. To see this dream become a reality, I am announcing my candidacy for Kamloops City Council.
As a Councillor, I promise to do two things:
- I will introduce a bylaw to fine people $100 if they force someone to shake their hand.
- I will introduce a bylaw to make government offices handshake-free zones.
Handshaking is harmful for the following reasons:
- You can catch a cold or the flu, resulting in lost work time. If you get the flu, you might even die!
- Handshaking can cause pain that lasts for days when a man who wants to prove his manliness, shakes your hand with an iron grip. Last week, an amateur wrestler shook my hand (against my will), and my fingers still hurt really bad!
Handshaking is dangerous because many people don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, or pick their nose! I recently witnessed two men use the urinals in a men’s room and then shake each other’s hands without washing them. This inspired me to write a jingle for my election campaign, which will soon air on local radio stations. I recorded it with my own voice, and it is set to tuba and flute:
When you shake someone’s hand,
do you know where their hand has been?
There’s a disturbing possibility
their hand isn’t clean.
To stop this monstrosity,
vote for Roger Tuckerman in 2018!
I’m the anti-handshaking man,
and I have a plan!
During my election campaign, I will knock on thousands of doors and introduce people to a cultural practice that is superior to handshaking. With a smile, I will say, “This way!” then clench my hand and bump their fist.
If elected on October 20, 2018, I will make fist-bumping a normative cultural practice in our city, which a recent study found is 20 times more hygienic than handshaking.