Why Homework Should Be Banned

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: darwin.high@ntschools.net
Subject: Ban Homework NOW!

Dear Principal,

My son Randolph is in grade ten, and I’m upset at how much homework you’ve been giving him. Studying for tests is taking a toll on his physical and mental health. I think he’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

The reality is, my son has no time for homework. Like most millennials his age, he spends three hours a day on his cell phone and four hours a day watching Netflix. How is he supposed to do two hours a day of homework? It’s impossible! Do the math!

Studying for tests is so stressful for my boy that he often becomes hysterical and eats three bags of potato chips, two plates of French fries and a baked potato to calm himself down. Due to his extreme potato diet, he weighs 200 pounds despite being only five-foot two.

Worse still, no girls at your school will date him because he’s too fat. His ass is so big I had to special order jeans from Chubster. If he didn’t have to do so much homework, he could lose 50 pounds by going to hot yoga!

What’s the point of homework anyway? Randolph’s career goal is to be a taxi driver. Do you really think studying for a test is going to prepare him to get a class four driver’s license! I don’t think so!

Going to high school should be a no-stress experience: Just show up, sit down and listen! Students don’t need to “prove” they’ve learned anything. What’s the point of spending hours trying to memorize “useless” academic knowledge? All it proves is you can remember stuff, which years later, you will totally forget!

I’m asking that you ban homework immediately! If you don’t, I will have no choice but to transfer Randolph to school in Sweden that has banned all tests. If a student never gets a bad grade, it’s very good for their self-esteem!

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

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Also by Christopher Lindsay ⇒ The Donkey King and Other Stories

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Justin Trudeau: The Peter Pan Prime Minister

J.M. Barrie’s 1911 novel, Peter Pan, is about a boy who never grows up. He is described as “perfectly lovely”, “dreadfully ignorant”, and loves “showing off.”¹ The character of Peter is not unlike Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada. Similar to Peter, Trudeau is strikingly handsome, lacks basic knowledge and loves to be the center of attention.

Justin Trudeau craves the media spotlight. Capitalizing on his good looks and personal charm, he has taken selfies with thousands of Canadians, more than any politician in Canadian history.² In 2015, the Liberal Party made Trudeau’s penchant for selfies part of their election strategy by selling selfie sticks with the party logo on them.³ One of Trudeau’s most infamous selfies is when he posed for a photo with a topless young woman at Toronto’s Gay Pride Parade.⁴ Trudeau takes selfies not just as a courtesy to someone who requests a photo, but as a deliberate strategy to capture media and public attention.

In addition to selfies, Justin Trudeau seeks media attention by wearing costumes in public. On his February 2018 trip to India, he wore a series of traditional Indian suits, even dressing as a bridegroom for a wedding, for which he was widely ridiculed.⁵ In 2017, he appeared in the House of Commons dressed like Clark Kent and unbuttoned his dress shirt to reveal a Superman T-shirt.⁶ At a 2017 NATO meeting in Brussels, he showed off a mismatched pair of coloured socks.⁷ Seeking media attention by wearing flamboyant clothing is not the behavior of a statesman. Like a Hollywood celebrity, Trudeau wears costumes to increase his popularity with younger voters.

Trudeau’s flamboyant style distracts Canadians from his lack of substance. Case in point: As Canada’s chief lawmaker, he doesn’t know what the nation’s laws are. Mary Dawson, the former Ethics Commissioner, found that Trudeau violated four sections of the Conflict of Interest Act by receiving free vacations to a private island in the Bahamas from the Aga Khan, whose private foundation was registered to lobby the government.⁸ Trudeau’s defense was that “it wasn’t considered that there would be an issue there.”⁹ In other words, he didn’t know that accepting gifts from someone who lobbies the government was illegal. A Prime Minister who breaks the law because he is ignorant of the law is incompetent.

Justin Trudeau doesn’t perform the normal duties of a Prime Minister. In her report on Trudeau’s ethics violations, Dawson said that Trudeau sees his role as Prime Minister as “ceremonial in nature” and that he doesn’t have business meetings with his cabinet ministers, but rather “relationship sessions.”¹⁰ Trudeau has given full authority to his cabinet ministers to make major decisions. This suggests that he doesn’t have the knowledge and/or ability to do his job.

Stephen Harper was right: Justin Trudeau is “just not ready”, and he never will be.¹¹ A former drama teacher, Justin is an actor on a stage who is “pretending” to be Prime Minister. Rather than leading the country, he represents the country, the male equivalent of Miss Canada. The son of Pierre Eliot Trudeau, Canada’s 15th Prime Minister, Justin was able to ride on the coattails of his father’s last name and win the 2015 election. If Canadians elect him again in 2019, it will show that in the age of the Internet, style is more important than substance.

Notes

1. M. Barrie, Peter Pan (Collins Classics, 2015), 7, 23, 35.
2. Terry Pedwell, “’Selfies’ a new mainstay on election campaign trail,” CTV News, September 28, 2015, https://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/election/selfies-a-new-mainstay-on-election-campaign-trail-1.2583928
3. “Selfie Stick,” Botique Liberal, accessed March 6, 2018, https://boutique.liberal.ca/shop/accessories/selfie-stick/
4. Katie Underwood, “Justin Trudeau posed with a topless woman — hooray!,” Chatelaine, August 6, 2015, http://www.chatelaine.com/living/justin-trudeau-posed-with-a-topless-woman-hooray/
5. “Justin Trudeau’s ‘Bollywood’ wardrobe amuses Indians,” BBC News, February 22, 2018, http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-43151115
6. “Justin Trudeau: The Mr. Dressup prime minister,” Macleans, February 24, 2018, http://www.macleans.ca/multimedia/photo/the-mr-dressup-prime-minister/
7. Vanessa Friedman, “Justin Trudeau’s Sock Diplomacy,” New York Times, June 27, 2017, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/27/fashion/socks-justin-trudeau-canada.html
8. Catharine Tunney, “Trudeau ‘sorry’ for violating conflict laws with visits to Aga Khan’s island,” CBC News, December 20, 2017, http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/trudeau-ethics-aga-khan-1.4458220
9. Alex Boutilier and Bruce Campion-Smith, “Trudeau violated multiple conflict laws when he accepted family holiday to Aga Khan’s island: ethics commissioner,” Toronto Star, December 20, 2017, https://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2017/12/20/trudeau-violated-conflict-of-interest-rules-with-vacation-to-aga-khans-island-ethics-commissioner-says.html
10. “This Is How Justin Trudeau Sees His Job, According To Ethics Report.” Huffington Post, December 26, 2017, http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/12/26/this-is-how-justin-trudeau-sees-his-job-according-to-ethics-report_a_23317053/
11. “The Interview,” YouTube, accessed March 20, 2018, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c86-9HitWg0

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This Op-Ed was originally published in The Post Millennial.

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Why I Love “Useless” University Courses

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Why I Love “Useless” University Courses

Dear Editor,

A lot of the courses you take at University are completely “useless” if you want to get a job. However, unlike non-academic people, I love “useless” courses, and I plan to take as many of them as possible, as long as I can keep getting student loans!

As a high school graduate, my job prospects are bleak. But if I keep borrowing money, and taking “useless” University courses, I can escape my greatest fear: to be a wage slave in a fast food restaurant or retail store!

When I first enrolled in University, my dream job was to be a professional gambler and playboy, so I took a course called Probability and Games of Chance: Poker 101. I failed math in high school, but this course really increased my confidence. After I wrote my final exam, I flew to Las Vegas, gambled $5,000 and lost it all! That course was totally useless!

The course, however, did teach me how to calculate the odds of seducing a woman. After getting rejected 37 times, I knew the odds were in my favour, and I seduced a beautiful young woman at the poker table. I took her to my hotel room, but before we got into bed, she told me her rate was $500! People who go to casinos are so greedy!

After my trip to Vegas, I felt depressed, so I enrolled in a course called #SelfieClass. I took 99 selfies and wrote three essays about myself. At the end of the course, I did a class presentation and told everyone what happened in Vegas. The instructor said that I’m truly special! Everyone in the class smiled at me. My self-confidence was restored!

I’m now taking a course called Wasting Time on the Internet. I haven’t learned anything new yet on wasting time, but I’m in love with one of my classmates. Her name is Emily, and like me, she is addicted to her cell phone. Every Friday we go out for coffee and text each other. This “useless” course helped me find my online soul mate!

The truth is, there are no courses that are totally “useless.” When students borrow money to go to University, there are instructors, accountants, administrators, and other workers who get sick pay, free tuition and a pension. So even if you take a course that gives you no job skills, it still allows other people to financially prosper, and that’s good for economic growth!

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

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My Kindle eBook ⇒ The Donkey King and Other Stories