Banning Best Friends at School

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@darwinelementary.com
Subject: Registering my Son for Grade Four

Dear Principal,

I would like to enroll my son Bart at Darwin Elementary for grade four, beginning September 2018. However, I am only willing to enroll him if you implement a no-best-friend policy for his class. The school my son currently attends allows children to have a best friend, and this has made Bart feel excluded. He is the only child in the class without any friends, and has been unfairly stigmatized as a bully.

Bart is not a bully, but he is a big boy. He’s nine-years-old and weighs 120 pounds. He’s heavier than average because I let him eat whatever he wants and as much as he wants, two cultural practices passed down to me from my Italian mother, who learned the same from her mother, who learned the same from her mother.

Unfortunately, my son has been rejected by his classmates because of his weight. If you contact his school, they will tell you he is unpopular because he often sits on a boy at lunch hour. However, Bart only does this because he wants the boy he sits on to be his best friend. Sadly, all the boys have rejected him.

All the girls in his class have rejected him too. If you contact his school, they will tell you it is because he chases the girls at lunch hour, and when he catches one, he asks her to be his girlfriend. Unfortunately, they all said no, laughed at him, and said he was too fat. Naturally, this was very damaging to his self-esteem, so he pulled his pants down and mooned them.

My son is an unpopular boy, but I hope Darwin Elementary can be a place where he can find love and acceptance, and not be labelled a bully. I believe that a public school should be founded on progressive values, and practice inclusion.

As a case in point, Prince William and Kate Middleton enrolled their son George at Thomas’s Battersea, a school which has a no-best-friend policy. Thomas’s Battersea is a shining light, a moral example to the entire world. If one child cannot have a best friend, then no child should be allowed to have one. All children should be equal, and not have special privileges!

Thank you for considering my request for a no-best-friend policy, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

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Driving the Devil out of Detroit

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: scheduling@detroitmi.gov
Subject: Request for a Business License

Dear Mayor Mike Duggan,

Detroit is one of the most dangerous cities in American to live in, with 11,486 violent crimes reported in 2015. Detroit is also on the top-10 list of American cities with the highest tax rates. Despite these negatives, I’m an entrepreneur who wants to bring hope to your once-great city. I am requesting a business license to open a retail store called Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms.

For the past two years, I have been trained by the world’s finest exorcists at the Vatican. I learned how to drive demons out of people, in both Latin and English, and was sent on many missions throughout Eastern Europe. I witnessed some shocking and unbelievable things: Demon-possessed people foamed at the mouth; their chairs elevated a foot off the floor; and they said nasty things about my mother, even though they’ve never met her.

My experience with the demon-possessed has given me a unique business idea. I want to open a cookie shop in Detroit with a side room where exorcisms will be performed. Customers can sit at tables, eat a Bible-themed cookie, and watch a live exorcism through a floor-to-ceiling, plexiglass window. Plexiglass is strong, shatter-proof, and safe, so the demon-possessed won’t endanger anyone eating a cookie.

I am confident that the combination of cookies and exorcisms will ensure a broad customer base. I plan to charge $50.00 for a half-hour exorcism, which is cheaper than a massage. A massage is good for the body, but an exorcism is good for the soul and mind! All the exorcisms will be filmed, and the customer will be given a digital copy, so they can share it with family and friends, and upload it to YouTube. These videos will bring hope to the oppressed people of Detroit.

I believe Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms will help reduce the violent crime rate in your city. I’m not naïve though. I know that people have free will, and they commit crimes because they lack a deep moral conviction of right and wrong. But in my experience in performing exorcisms, I also know that the Devil deceives people that evil is good, and good is evil. My cookie shop will be a house of deliverance. I will get the demons out of Detroit, one citizen at a time.

I am planning to fly to Detroit in November, and if you would like an exorcism, I would be happy to perform one for you in your office, free of charge. In my experience, most politicians need an exorcism. Like the Devil, they lie, make false promises, and only tell people what they want to hear. I guarantee that after a half-hour session, you will feel like a whole new person!

Thank you for considering my request for a business license, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. If you can provide any tax incentives to help this new business succeed, it would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

A Shocking Stay at a Hawaiian Resort

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: HHR@HawaiiHotels.com
Subject: Hotel Room Reservation

Dear General Manager,

I would like to stay at the Royal Lahaina Resort for seven nights, arriving May 1, 2018. However, I have a health condition that makes it difficult for me to travel. I suffer from narcolepsy. I have a rare form of the disorder where I fall asleep ten times a day for an hour or more, and then I have insomnia all night! I was first afflicted with narcolepsy in 1999 while saying my wedding vows to my bride. Sadly, when I woke up, my bride was gone!

As a person with a disability, I have a special request I hope you can accommodate. I have a stock prodder that is clipped to a gold chain around my neck. If any of your staff find me sleeping, they will need to shock me with it until I regain consciousness. It is very easy to do! Just turn on the switch, and press it firmly against my triceps until I open my eyes. If your staff find me face-down, the safest place to do it is on my buttocks. However, there is no need to pull my pants down. That would be embarrassing.

I usually wake up within a minute or two, but if I seem disoriented, or groan and moan, I would like the staff member to ask me: “Are you fully conscious Mr. Tuckerman”? If I respond, “Yes, I am fully conscious!”, then there is no need to shock me again. However, if I utter anything else—especially profanity—I will need another shock.

A stock prodder is normally used to move stubborn farm animals, but it is the only thing that will wake me up. If you shake me or shout in my ear, I will only mumble incoherent words, or repeat one word endlessly. I’ve been told it’s really creepy!

I assume full responsibility for my health from the use of the stock prodder, and will present you with a signed waiver when I check in. If you have any doubts about the safety of the device, product details are available at this link: https://am.gallagher.com/media/5095/3e3131_stock_prod_range_brochure_nz.pdf

Your staff may feel reluctant at first to shock me, but most learn to really enjoy it, especially after a stressful day. One housekeeper told me that after a day of cleaning toilets, and dealing with whiny guests who think they deserve to be treated like kings and queens, shocking me was a total pleasure! Sometimes I go out with the staff member after, buy them a beer, and we take a few selfies.

As an extra incentive, I will give a ten-dollar gratuity to each staff member who shocks me! If you can accommodate this request, please email me your nightly rate at your earliest convenience. It costs a lot to fly to Hawaii, so I want to be fully conscious and enjoy every minute of it. As a narcoleptic, I live by this motto: Life is better when you’re wide awake!

Sincerely yours,

Roger Tuckerman

A Dinner Reservation for a Narcissist

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: seattle@ilfo.com
Subject: Dinner Reservation at Il Fornaio

Dear General Manager,

I’m flying to Seattle on December 1st to celebrate my 40^th birthday, and would like to make a reservation for 7 o’clock. However, I have a list of requests that I hope you can accommodate to make a memorable evening.

First, I do not want a corner table. I feel very alone and isolated when I sit in the corner. I would like a table in an open area, preferably in the center of the restaurant.

Second, I would like to have your finest server take my order.

I’m requesting your finest server because I’ve had many negative experiences of inadequate service in restaurants, and I can’t risk this happening on my 40^th birthday. I recently went to a restaurant in Vancouver, BC, and the server sat me at a corner table behind a fern tree, and then she forgot all about me!

Third, I would like to order a birthday cake with 40 candles and “Happy 40th Birthday You Very Sexy Man!” written on it. For the icing, any color is fine except pink or sarcoline. Please make sure the cake is large enough for all your staff to have at least one piece. I want everyone to remember me!

Fourth, when the cake is delivered to my table, I would like the servers to gather in a circle and sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. Tuckerman” to me, and then shout out loud: “You are amazing!” And for each server that sings, I will tip them a dollar in appreciation.

Fifth, and finally, after dessert, I would like to use a karaoke machine. I will have it delivered to your restaurant the day before. My girlfriend (who I hope soon to make my fiancé) will be travelling with me, and I want to surprise her by singing a few songs. She knows nothing of my plans for my 40^th birthday. After my last song, I’m going to propose to her!

I know your patrons will love my performance. I used to be an Elvis impersonator in my home town of Falkland, BC, singing every weekend at the Falkland Pub. The local ladies found me irresistible in my younger years, especially when I sang “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” They couldn’t help but fall in love with me! Needless to say, I never went home alone.

If you can accommodate these requests, please confirm my reservation at your earliest convenience. However, if you are unable to, can you recommend another restaurant for me?

Sincerely yours,

Roger Tuckerman