The Number-One Reason for Weight Gain

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From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@realcanadiansuperstore.ca
Subject: Question about Your Products

Dear General Manager,

I’ve been shopping at your Kelowna Superstore since my 30th birthday. That was the day my mother kicked me out of her house because I never paid her any rent. A week later, I got a job at a gas station, and learned how to live independently. In the past year, I’ve learned how to cook, do laundry, and buy my own groceries!

My favourite thing to do when I shop at your store is introduce myself to women. Although no one has said yes (yet) to going out with me, I am not discouraged by this. I believe that if I ask 1,000 women out for coffee, the odds are very good that one will say yes!

In addition to meeting women, I also like looking at other people’s shopping carts when I buy my groceries. In the past six weeks, I’ve noticed a strong correlation between the amount of processed foods in people’s carts and the body mass of the person pushing the cart. I have a theory that this correlation is in fact causation.

As a case in point, I was at your store last Sunday, and saw a 300-pound man exploring the dairy section. I looked at his cart and counted three boxes of Fruity Loops, a box of crackers, three meat-lovers pizzas, a box of Hungry Man classic fried chicken, a bag of white rice, a package of pepperoni, and a can of Diet Coke. I politely asked the man: “Do you think you are obese because of your food choices?” What happened next, I did not see coming! The man swore at me, ran over my foot with his cart, and then he snatched my lactose-free yogurt out of my hand, which was the last tub on the shelf!

I don’t want to file a complaint against the fat man because I’m confident karma (or heart disease) will get him eventually, but I’m hoping you can answer a question for me. As the manager of a grocery store, I’m sure you have expert knowledge on all the products that you carry. Can you confirm if eating processed foods is linked to weight gain? If eating these products is why I’ve gained 50 pounds in the past year, I will have to start making different food choices, or perhaps eat less.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


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The Donkey King

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Why Marijuana Should Not Be Legal Until Age 25

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To: premier@gov.bc.ca
Subject: Legalizing Marijuana

Dear Premier John Horgan,

I love the NDP! You’re the people’s party! I read you are raising taxes on rich people by two percent. The rich might move to another province if you raise their taxes too much, but who cares? Reduce inequality!

Although I’m happy that you are raising taxes on people who earn more than I do, I read that you will be allowing 19-year-olds to buy pot. This disturbs me because a 2011 study found that people ages 14-24 who smoke pot are twice as likely to experience psychosis.

You can read the study at this link:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3047001/

Despite the increased risk of psychosis, I support marijuana legalization. I’ve smoked it every day for five years to reduce my chronic pain. However, the NDP should not make it legal for 19-year-olds.

Consider my friend Donnie. He started smoking marijuana when he turned 19, and now he is convinced that his next-door neighbor is an alien from the planet Nibiru. This is a serious problem because I’m his next-door neighbor, and he’s told all my friends that I’m an alien! Just because I was abducted by aliens once doesn’t mean I’m one of them!

If you make pot legal at age 19, there will be more people like Donnie who are delusional. Why would the NDP do that? I thought the NDP loved the people of British Columbia.

Please increase the legal age for purchasing marijuana to 25, so fewer millennials will suffer from mental illnesses. If you don’t, I will have to do something drastic! In the next election, I might vote for the BC Liberals.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman


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The Need for Work-Life Balance

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From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: danielmoon@moonaccounting.com
Subject: Incident in your office

Dear Mr. Moon,

It happened again! And this time I know who did it. I unlocked your office door, and Bob was standing on your desk with a big grin on his face. He buttoned up his pants, jumped down from the desk, and walked right past me. He must have a key!

I’m sorry, Sir, but when I cleaned it up, the smell was so terrible, I hurled! Unfortunately, I stained a whole bunch of your papers. Don’t worry though! When my shift was over, I went home, got a hair dryer and came back. After I dried the pages, I read them, and the text is still clear. I didn’t know you’re being sued for a million dollars!

I have some good news! Before I came to work today, I dug up a Chrysanthemum Morifolium from my garden, and put in a pot on your desk to absorb the odour. Your office no longer smells now, but there are a quite a few flying insects.

Tomorrow, I’m going to come in early, and hide under your desk, so I can catch Bob in the act! I’ll take a photo, so you have proof. Man, that photo is going to be ugly. I’ll probably hurl again.

I was hoping you might give me bonus pay because cleaning your desk isn’t in my job description. I’d like a small raise if you don’t mind. Maybe 50 cents an hour?

Hope you’re having a great holiday!

Roger


From: danielmoon2017@gmail.com
To: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
Subject: Incident in your office

Roger,

This is your fourth email to me! Why do you email me every day to tell me the same damn thing? If Bob sh—t on my desk, I’ll deal with him when I get back. This isn’t that important. It could have waited.

To be honest, I don’t even believe you. Bob doesn’t have the key to my office. I have the key. It’s likely you made up this sh—t story because you want more money from me.

When I hired you as the janitor, I thought I made it clear. If there is a real emergency, employees can call me, but they are not allowed to email me when I’m on vacation. Since my heart attack, I’ve been practicing work-life balance. I don’t want to think about work while I’m away!

Lastly, staff are not permitted to read papers on my desk! When you start your shift on Monday, I want to speak to you.

Daniel


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The Man Who Repelled Women with Cologne

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From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@calvinklein.com
Subject: No Longer Buying Your Cologne

Dear Calvin Klein,

I’m 33 years old, and I loved all your men’s colognes. I really did. Every morning, I sprayed Eternity Intense on my lower jaw and wrists; then I left my apartment. The smell was so intoxicating, I felt incredibly sexy. I became hopeful I could finally find a girlfriend!

But a month ago, something shocking happened. I switched to Obsessed; then I walked to the bus stop, and saw a 250-pound woman standing beside the bus shelter. In her mid-20s, she had a double chin, high heels, and was wearing a tight-fitting red lace bodycon dress.

Feeling an overwhelming attraction to her, I raised my chest high, pulled my stomach in, and approached her with pouty lips, but before I could speak, she twisted her face and cried, “Oh, my God!” Then she turned and trotted down the street!

I’ve never been rejected like this before. Women have often said to me: “I don’t feel like dancing right now”, “I don’t drink coffee”, and “I don’t want a man in my life.” However, no woman has ever said, “Oh, my God!” and walked away from me. Did I stink? How could that be? I was wearing Obsessed.

My self-confidence was badly shaken, but I remembered the words of a Zen Master: “If women keep rejecting you, it might be because there is something wrong with you, but if you stare at a cloud for ten hours, you will be okay.” Comforted by this saying, I went home, sat on my balcony, and stared at the sky for a very long time.

A week later, I switched back to Eternity Intense, and went looking for love again. I took a bus downtown, and saw a Russian woman sitting in the back seat. She was ten years older than me, had a shaved head, and was missing half her teeth, yet I felt strangely attracted to her. I couldn’t resist her she-devil smile!

As soon as I sat beside her, she cried, “O net, ne snova!” which means: “Oh, no, not again!” Then she opened her purse and put a face mask on. I was mortified. Two women in one week repelled by how I smell! How was this possible?

I asked the woman why she wore a mask. She explained how cologne makes her face hurt really bad. My jaw dropped, and my heart was pierced! At that moment, I knew what I had to do.

When I returned to my apartment, I opened all my bottles of cologne, took one last sniff of each, then flushed them down the toilet. I cried a little because I love how great I smell, but I will not cause anyone pain by wearing cologne in public!

Sadly, Olga—the woman I met on the bus—broke up with me a week ago. She said, “Roger, you stink bad!” It’s all Olga’s fault though. The she-devil put a love spell on me! Whenever I fall in love, I get so nervous, I sweat like a horse!

I have a request to make of your company. Since Olga dumped me, every woman I’ve asked out has turned me down! Can you create a natural cologne that smells like chocolate? A majority of women love chocolate more than sex, so if I smell like a chocolate bar, I believe it will increase my chances of finding a girlfriend.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman


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