Subject: No Longer Buying Your Cologne
Dear Calvin Klein,
I’m 33 years old, and I loved all your men’s colognes. I really did. Every morning, I sprayed Eternity Intense on my lower jaw and wrists; then I left my apartment. The smell was so intoxicating, I felt incredibly sexy. I became hopeful I could finally find a girlfriend!
But a month ago, something shocking happened. I switched to Obsessed; then I walked to the bus stop, and saw a 250-pound woman standing beside the bus shelter. In her mid-20s, she had a double chin, high heels, and was wearing a tight-fitting red lace bodycon dress.
Feeling an overwhelming attraction to her, I raised my chest high, pulled my stomach in, and approached her with pouty lips, but before I could speak, she twisted her face and cried, “Oh, my God!” Then she turned and trotted down the street!
I’ve never been rejected like this before. Women have often said to me: “I don’t feel like dancing right now”, “I don’t drink coffee”, and “I don’t want a man in my life.” However, no woman has ever said, “Oh, my God!” and walked away from me. Did I stink? How could that be? I was wearing Obsessed.
My self-confidence was badly shaken, but I remembered the words of a Zen Master: “If women keep rejecting you, it might be because there is something wrong with you, but if you stare at a cloud for ten hours, you will be okay.” Comforted by this saying, I went home, sat on my balcony, and stared at the sky for a very long time.
A week later, I switched back to Eternity Intense, and went looking for love again. I took a bus downtown, and saw a Russian woman sitting in the back seat. She was ten years older than me, had a shaved head, and was missing half her teeth, yet I felt strangely attracted to her. I couldn’t resist her she-devil smile!
As soon as I sat beside her, she cried, “O net, ne snova!” which means: “Oh, no, not again!” Then she opened her purse and put a face mask on. I was mortified. Two women in one week repelled by how I smell! How was this possible?
I asked the woman why she wore a mask. She explained how cologne makes her face hurt really bad. My jaw dropped, and my heart was pierced! At that moment, I knew what I had to do.
When I returned to my apartment, I opened all my bottles of cologne, took one last sniff of each, then flushed them down the toilet. I cried a little because I love how great I smell, but I will not cause anyone pain by wearing cologne in public!
Sadly, Olga—the woman I met on the bus—broke up with me a week ago. She said, “Roger, you stink bad!” It’s all Olga’s fault though. The she-devil put a love spell on me! Whenever I fall in love, I get so nervous, I sweat like a horse!
I have a request to make of your company. Since Olga dumped me, every woman I’ve asked out has turned me down! Can you create a natural cologne that smells like chocolate? A majority of women love chocolate more than sex, so if I smell like a chocolate bar, I believe it will increase my chances of finding a girlfriend.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.