Why You Shouldn’t Shake Anyone’s Hand

handshake-free

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I have a dream that one day people in our city will no longer shake each other’s hands. To see this dream become a reality, I am announcing my candidacy for Kamloops City Council.

As a Councillor, I promise to do two things:

  • I will introduce a bylaw to fine people $100 if they force someone to shake their hand.
  • I will introduce a bylaw to make government offices handshake-free zones.

Handshaking is harmful for the following reasons:

  • You can catch a cold or the flu, resulting in lost work time. If you get the flu, you might even die!
  • Handshaking can cause pain that lasts for days when a man who wants to prove his manliness, shakes your hand with an iron grip. Last week, an amateur wrestler shook my hand (against my will), and my fingers still hurt really bad!

Handshaking is dangerous because many people don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, or pick their nose! I recently witnessed two men use the urinals in a men’s room and then shake each other’s hands without washing them. This inspired me to write a jingle for my election campaign, which will soon air on local radio stations. I recorded it with my own voice, and it is set to tuba and flute:

When you shake someone’s hand,
do you know where their hand has been?
There’s a disturbing possibility
their hand isn’t clean.
To stop this monstrosity,
vote for Roger Tuckerman in 2018!
I’m the anti-handshaking man,
and I have a plan!

During my election campaign, I will knock on thousands of doors and introduce people to a cultural practice that is superior to handshaking. With a smile, I will say, “This way!” then clench my hand and bump their fist.

If elected on October 20, 2018, I will make fist-bumping a normative cultural practice in our city, which a recent study found is 20 times more hygienic than handshaking.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman


My Kindle eBook: The Donkey King and Other Stories

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Banning Best Friends at School

banning best friends

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@darwinelementary.com
Subject: Registering my Son for Grade Four

Dear Principal,

I would like to enroll my son Bart at Darwin Elementary for grade four, beginning September 2018. However, I am only willing to enroll him if you implement a no-best-friend policy for his class. The school my son currently attends allows children to have a best friend, and this has made Bart feel excluded. He is the only child in the class without any friends, and has been unfairly stigmatized as a bully.

Bart is not a bully, but he is a big boy. He’s nine-years-old and weighs 120 pounds. He’s heavier than average because I let him eat whatever he wants and as much as he wants, two cultural practices passed down to me from my Italian mother, who learned the same from her mother, who learned the same from her mother.

Unfortunately, my son has been rejected by his classmates because of his weight. If you contact his school, they will tell you he is unpopular because he often sits on a boy at lunch hour. However, Bart only does this because he wants the boy he sits on to be his best friend. Sadly, all the boys have rejected him.

All the girls in his class have rejected him too. If you contact his school, they will tell you it is because he chases the girls at lunch hour, and when he catches one, he asks her to be his girlfriend. Unfortunately, they all said no, laughed at him, and said he was too fat. Naturally, this was very damaging to his self-esteem, so he pulled his pants down and mooned them.

My son is an unpopular boy, but I hope Darwin Elementary can be a place where he can find love and acceptance, and not be labelled a bully. I believe that a public school should be founded on progressive values, and practice inclusion.

As a case in point, Prince William and Kate Middleton enrolled their son George at Thomas’s Battersea, a school which has a no-best-friend policy. Thomas’s Battersea is a shining light, a moral example to the entire world. If one child cannot have a best friend, then no child should be allowed to have one. All children should be equal, and not have special privileges!

Thank you for considering my request for a no-best-friend policy, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


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