Subject: Request for a Business License
Dear Mayor Mike Duggan,
Detroit is one of the most dangerous cities in American to live in, with 11,486 violent crimes reported in 2015. Detroit is also on the top-10 list of American cities with the highest tax rates. Despite these negatives, I’m an entrepreneur who wants to bring hope to your once-great city. I am requesting a business license to open a retail store called Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms.
For the past two years, I have been trained by the world’s finest exorcists at the Vatican. I learned how to drive demons out of people, in both Latin and English, and was sent on many missions throughout Eastern Europe. I witnessed some shocking and unbelievable things: Demon-possessed people foamed at the mouth; their chairs elevated a foot off the floor; and they said nasty things about my mother, even though they’ve never met her.
My experience with the demon-possessed has given me a unique business idea. I want to open a cookie shop in Detroit with a side room where exorcisms will be performed. Customers can sit at tables, eat a Bible-themed cookie, and watch a live exorcism through a floor-to-ceiling, plexiglass window. Plexiglass is strong, shatter-proof, and safe, so the demon-possessed won’t endanger anyone eating a cookie.
I am confident that the combination of cookies and exorcisms will ensure a broad customer base. I plan to charge $50.00 for a half-hour exorcism, which is cheaper than a massage. A massage is good for the body, but an exorcism is good for the soul and mind! All the exorcisms will be filmed, and the customer will be given a digital copy, so they can share it with family and friends, and upload it to YouTube. These videos will bring hope to the oppressed people of Detroit.
I believe Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms will help reduce the violent crime rate in your city. I’m not naïve though. I know that people have free will, and they commit crimes because they lack a deep moral conviction of right and wrong. But in my experience in performing exorcisms, I also know that the Devil deceives people that evil is good, and good is evil. My cookie shop will be a house of deliverance. I will get the demons out of Detroit, one citizen at a time.
I am planning to fly to Detroit in November, and if you would like an exorcism, I would be happy to perform one for you in your office, free of charge. In my experience, most politicians need an exorcism. Like the Devil, they lie, make false promises, and only tell people what they want to hear. I guarantee that after a half-hour session, you will feel like a whole new person!
Thank you for considering my request for a business license, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. If you can provide any tax incentives to help this new business succeed, it would be greatly appreciated.