Why You Shouldn’t Shake Anyone’s Hand

handshake-free

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I have a dream that one day people in our city will no longer shake each other’s hands. To see this dream become a reality, I am announcing my candidacy for Kamloops City Council.

As a Councillor, I promise to do two things:

  • I will introduce a bylaw to fine people $100 if they force someone to shake their hand.
  • I will introduce a bylaw to make government offices handshake-free zones.

Handshaking is harmful for the following reasons:

  • You can catch a cold or the flu, resulting in lost work time. If you get the flu, you might even die!
  • Handshaking can cause pain that lasts for days when a man who wants to prove his manliness, shakes your hand with an iron grip. Last week, an amateur wrestler shook my hand (against my will), and my fingers still hurt really bad!

Handshaking is dangerous because many people don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, or pick their nose! I recently witnessed two men use the urinals in a men’s room and then shake each other’s hands without washing them. This inspired me to write a jingle for my election campaign, which will soon air on local radio stations. I recorded it with my own voice, and it is set to tuba and flute:

When you shake someone’s hand,
do you know where their hand has been?
There’s a disturbing possibility
their hand isn’t clean.
To stop this monstrosity,
vote for Roger Tuckerman in 2018!
I’m the anti-handshaking man,
and I have a plan!

During my election campaign, I will knock on thousands of doors and introduce people to a cultural practice that is superior to handshaking. With a smile, I will say, “This way!” then clench my hand and bump their fist.

If elected on October 20, 2018, I will make fist-bumping a normative cultural practice in our city, which a recent study found is 20 times more hygienic than handshaking.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman


My Kindle eBook: The Donkey King and Other Stories

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Three Reasons Why I Love Getting the Flu

flu symptoms

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I love getting the flu! When I’m coughing, groaning, or hurling, I’m thankful for the days when I felt great.

Getting the flu is a blessing in disguise because I work for the government and receive sick pay. I lay on the couch (at the taxpayer’s expense) and watch Netflix all day!

A third reason I love getting the flu is I always have a religious experience. Nothing makes me cry out to God more than when I feel like Hell!

If you’re like me, and want to be infected with the flu virus, I would like to share a helpful tip: Shake as many hands as possible! When I meet people in nightclubs, churches, and elevators I always reach out and shake their hand. My odds of getting the flu greatly increases, especially if they didn’t wash their hands!

A 2015 survey of 100,000 Europeans found that 40 per cent of women and 62 per cent of men don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. This means that if you shake the hand of someone who is infected with a flu virus, the odds are 50-50 you will get it too!

However, if you’re not like me, and don’t want to get the flu, then you shouldn’t shake anyone’s hand. Instead, if someone extends their hand to you, clench your fist, and give them a fist bump. A recent study found that a fist bump is 20 times more hygienic than a handshake.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


My Kindle eBook: The Donkey King and Other Stories