A Shocking Stay at a Hawaiian Resort

narcolepsy narrow

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: HHR@HawaiiHotels.com
Subject: Hotel Room Reservation

Dear General Manager,

I would like to stay at the Royal Lahaina Resort for seven nights, arriving May 1, 2018. However, I have a health condition that makes it difficult for me to travel. I suffer from narcolepsy. I have a rare form of the disorder where I fall asleep ten times a day for an hour or more, and then I have insomnia all night! I was first afflicted with narcolepsy in 1999 while saying my wedding vows to my bride. Sadly, when I woke up, my bride was gone!

As a person with a disability, I have a special request I hope you can accommodate. I have a stock prodder that is clipped to a gold chain around my neck. If any of your staff find me sleeping, they will need to shock me with it until I regain consciousness. It is very easy to do! Just turn on the switch, and press it firmly against my triceps until I open my eyes. If your staff find me face-down, the safest place to do it is on my buttocks. However, there is no need to pull my pants down. That would be embarrassing.

I usually wake up within a minute or two, but if I seem disoriented, or groan and moan, I would like the staff member to ask me: “Are you fully conscious Mr. Tuckerman”? If I respond, “Yes, I am fully conscious!”, then there is no need to shock me again. However, if I utter anything else—especially profanity—I will need another shock.

A stock prodder is normally used to move stubborn farm animals, but it is the only thing that will wake me up. If you shake me or shout in my ear, I will only mumble incoherent words, or repeat one word endlessly. I’ve been told it’s really creepy!

I assume full responsibility for my health from the use of the stock prodder, and will present you with a signed waiver when I check in. If you have any doubts about the safety of the device, product details are available at this link: https://am.gallagher.com/media/5095/3e3131_stock_prod_range_brochure_nz.pdf

Your staff may feel reluctant at first to shock me, but most learn to really enjoy it, especially after a stressful day. One housekeeper told me that after a day of cleaning toilets, and dealing with whiny guests who think they deserve to be treated like kings and queens, shocking me was a total pleasure! Sometimes I go out with the staff member after, buy them a beer, and we take a few selfies.

As an extra incentive, I will give a ten-dollar gratuity to each staff member who shocks me! If you can accommodate this request, please email me your nightly rate at your earliest convenience. It costs a lot to fly to Hawaii, so I want to be fully conscious and enjoy every minute of it. As a narcoleptic, I live by this motto: Life is better when you’re wide awake!

Sincerely yours,

Roger Tuckerman


A Dinner Reservation for a Narcissist


From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: seattle@ilfo.com
Subject: Dinner Reservation at Il Fornaio

Dear General Manager,

I’m flying to Seattle on December 1st to celebrate my 40th birthday, and would like to make a reservation for 7 o’clock. However, I have a list of requests that I hope you can accommodate to make a memorable evening.

First, I do not want a corner table. I feel very alone and isolated when I sit in the corner. I would like a table in an open area, preferably in the center of the restaurant.

Second, I would like to have your finest server take my order.

I’m requesting your finest server because I’ve had many negative experiences of inadequate service in restaurants, and I can’t risk this happening on my 40th birthday. I recently went to a restaurant in Vancouver, BC, and the server sat me at a corner table behind a fern tree, and then she forgot all about me!

Third, I would like to order a birthday cake with 40 candles and “Happy 40th Birthday You Very Sexy Man!” written on it. For the icing, any color is fine except pink or sarcoline. Please make sure the cake is large enough for all your staff to have at least one piece. I want everyone to remember me!

Fourth, when the cake is delivered to my table, I would like the servers to gather in a circle and sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. Tuckerman” to me, and then shout out loud: “You are amazing!” And for each server that sings, I will tip them a dollar in appreciation.

Fifth, and finally, after dessert, I would like to use a karaoke machine. I will have it delivered to your restaurant the day before. My girlfriend (who I hope soon to make my fiancé) will be travelling with me, and I want to surprise her by singing a few songs. She knows nothing of my plans for my 40th birthday. After my last song, I’m going to propose to her!

I know your patrons will love my performance. I used to be an Elvis impersonator in my home town of Falkland, BC, singing every weekend at the Falkland Pub. The local ladies found me irresistible in my younger years, especially when I sang “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” They couldn’t help but fall in love with me! Needless to say, I never went home alone.

If you can accommodate these requests, please confirm my reservation at your earliest convenience. However, if you are unable to, can you recommend another restaurant for me?

Sincerely yours,

Roger Tuckerman