The Number-One Reason for Weight Gain

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From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@realcanadiansuperstore.ca
Subject: Question about Your Products

Dear General Manager,

I’ve been shopping at your Kelowna Superstore since my 30th birthday. That was the day my mother kicked me out of her house because I never paid her any rent. A week later, I got a job at a gas station, and learned how to live independently. In the past year, I’ve learned how to cook, do laundry, and buy my own groceries!

My favourite thing to do when I shop at your store is introduce myself to women. Although no one has said yes (yet) to going out with me, I am not discouraged by this. I believe that if I ask 1,000 women out for coffee, the odds are very good that one will say yes!

In addition to meeting women, I also like looking at other people’s shopping carts when I buy my groceries. In the past six weeks, I’ve noticed a strong correlation between the amount of processed foods in people’s carts and the body mass of the person pushing the cart. I have a theory that this correlation is in fact causation.

As a case in point, I was at your store last Sunday, and saw a 300-pound man exploring the dairy section. I looked at his cart and counted three boxes of Fruity Loops, a box of crackers, three meat-lovers pizzas, a box of Hungry Man classic fried chicken, a bag of white rice, a package of pepperoni, and a can of Diet Coke. I politely asked the man: “Do you think you are obese because of your food choices?” What happened next, I did not see coming! The man swore at me, ran over my foot with his cart, and then he snatched my lactose-free yogurt out of my hand, which was the last tub on the shelf!

I don’t want to file a complaint against the fat man because I’m confident karma (or heart disease) will get him eventually, but I’m hoping you can answer a question for me. As the manager of a grocery store, I’m sure you have expert knowledge on all the products that you carry. Can you confirm if eating processed foods is linked to weight gain? If eating these products is why I’ve gained 50 pounds in the past year, I will have to start making different food choices, or perhaps eat less.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


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The Donkey King

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The Dragon Egg: A Fable

Red Dragon

Long ago, two dragons lived in a cave high on a mountain. Drat was a small red dragon; Graisse was a large silver dragon, and they were mates. Unfortunately, despite having more gold than any king or queen, they were not happy dragons.

One day, Graisse said to Drat: “This cave is too small for our gold. I want you to dig me a bigger one!”

“I’m half your size!” Drat replied. “You do it, you fat dragon!”

Graisse was so angry, she breathed fire on Drat and blackened his face.

Drat couldn’t take the physical abuse anymore. His face was badly scarred from weekly firefights with Graisse, and his chest had turned black. “That’s it!” he said. “I’m going to find me a younger dragon, one that isn’t mean!”

“No dragon will want you!” Graisse scoffed. “You’re small and ugly.”

“We’ll see about that!” Drat said, and he walked out of the cave and flew away.

The next day, Graisse woke up in her nest, and she had laid an egg!

“Oh, my goodness!” she said. “I don’t want to have a son or daughter of Drat.”

Then she looked at the egg and sighed. “But if I have a baby, at least I won’t be lonely.”

So Graisse decided to keep her egg. Three months went by, and she sat on the egg from morning until night. With no time to go hunting, all she ate was the rats and mice in her cave. She lost a lot of weight, and the hungrier she got, the more she had doubts about becoming a mother.

“I can’t raise a dragon on my own,” she cried. “I’ll starve to death!”

Graisse decided to get rid of her egg. She picked it up in her clawed foot, flew to the edge of the mountain, and was about to drop it when Drat appeared in the sky.

He flew to her and yelled, “Don’t drop it!”

“Don’t tell me what to do! I laid this egg, not you!”

And Graisse dropped the egg.

Drat flew like a lightning bolt, and caught the egg before it hit the ground.

He flew back to the top of the mountain, took the egg back to their cave, and set it gently down in Graisse’s nest.

Graisse followed him into the cave and asked, “Why did you do that?”

“I searched all throughout the land,” Drat explained. “And we’re the only dragons left!”

Graisse opened her mouth wide. “The only dragons?”

“Yes,” Drat said sadly. “Men have slayed every dragon but us.”

“Then this egg is precious,” Graisse said.

“Yes, it is. But it was always precious. It will be our baby!”

“Do you want to make more baby dragons with me?” Graisse asked.

Drat looked at Graisse up and down. “Definitely!” he said with a big grin. In the three months Drat was away, she had lost 500 pounds.

“I’m not too fat for you?” Graisse asked.

“Nope. I’ve always been attracted to big dragons!”

This made Graisse smile. “Can you get me a moose for me to eat? I’m starving!”

“Whatever you want, I will get it for you.”

Drat kissed Graisse on the cheek, and flew out of the cave.

Graisse and Drat became the parents of twelve dragons. They stayed together until the end of their days, and even though they still had a nasty fire fight once in a while, they were happy.


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