Why Putting a “Gun-Free Zone” Sign on your Lawn is a Bad Idea

gunfreezoneFrom: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@mydoorsign.com
Subject: Refund Request for “Gun-Free Zone” Signs

Attention: Customer Service

I ordered three signs from you, and I am very unhappy with your product. The signs say, “Notice: Gun Free Zone.” They are aluminum, size 10 x 14 inches. I put one on my front lawn, one in my bedroom window, and another on the back door of my house. These signs did not work as your website said they would!

The first week I had no problems. But on Friday March 3, I woke up at midnight and could hear breaking glass! I went downstairs and there were two masked men with guns in my living room. I was so scared I literally crapped my pants. I couldn’t call 911 because my cell phone was in the living room, so I went back upstairs and cleaned myself in the bathroom. When the two masked men left, my television, computer, Blu-ray player, and cell phone were gone, and my kitchen window was smashed!

Your website totally deceived me. Your homepage says, “Door signs give instructions, tell you what to expect next, keep untrained people out.” I thought that your signs would keep burglars out of my house. Well, either the burglars can’t read, or they read them and disobeyed the instructions. And now I have to pay a $1,000 deductible on my insurance claim!

I want a 100% refund. I paid $17.99 per sign, and I want you to pay the cost of shipping them back.

I will never buy this product again, and I’m going to tell all my friends that putting a “gun free zone” on your front lawn is a very bad idea. I will also be posting a negative customer review. I hope that won’t affect your decision in giving me a refund.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman

I would like to send you a free eBook of three short stories!


Three Reasons Why I Love Getting the Flu

flu symptoms

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I love getting the flu! When I’m coughing, groaning, or hurling, I’m thankful for the days when I felt great.

Getting the flu is a blessing in disguise because I work for the government and receive sick pay. I lay on the couch (at the taxpayer’s expense) and watch Netflix all day!

A third reason I love getting the flu is I always have a religious experience. Nothing makes me cry out to God more than when I feel like Hell!

If you’re like me, and want to be infected with the flu virus, I would like to share a helpful tip: Shake as many hands as possible! When I meet people in nightclubs, churches, and elevators I always reach out and shake their hand. My odds of getting the flu greatly increases, especially if they didn’t wash their hands!

A 2015 survey of 100,000 Europeans found that 40 per cent of women and 62 per cent of men don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. This means that if you shake the hand of someone who is infected with a flu virus, the odds are 50-50 you will get it too!

However, if you’re not like me, and don’t want to get the flu, then you shouldn’t shake anyone’s hand. Instead, if someone extends their hand to you, clench your fist, and give them a fist bump. A recent study found that a fist bump is 20 times more hygienic than a handshake.


Roger Tuckerman

I would like to send you a free eBook of three short stories!

The Neighbour Who Played Loud Music

article-1310750-0B1DFC8C000005DC-371_468x310[A letter found in someone’s mailbox]

Dear Neighbour,

I sold my house, and made a profit of over $50,000! The young couple who bought my home have made an excellent investment. Housing prices are going to keep going up, and up, and up!

For the past year, I was hoping that you would sell your house (I put a real estate agent’s card in your mail box every month), but you never listed, so I put mine on the market. The reason I decided to sell is I go to bed at 10 every night, and every Saturday, you blast your music until two in the morning! On Sundays, I went to work feeling like a zombie. ☹ I really love your 80s music collection by the way. Awesome tunes! 😊

I’m going to tell you a secret: I’m the guy who called bylaw on you. When I couldn’t sleep, I sat by my window, and waited for the bylaw officer to arrive. One time, the officer knocked on your door, and you were so drunk, you threw up on him, and started yelling like a maniac when he fined you $100! It was totally hilarious! I laughed so hard, I wet my pajamas.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I’m going to miss you, neighbour. You gave me so many wonderful memories.

Best wishes,

Roger Tuckerman

P.S. I’m having a house-warming party at my new place on March 3. Would you like to come?

I would like to send you a free eBook of three short stories!

The Number-One Reason for Weight Gain


From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: info@realcanadiansuperstore.ca
Subject: Question about Your Products

Dear General Manager,

I’ve been shopping at your Kelowna Superstore since my 30th birthday. That was the day my mother kicked me out of her house because I never paid her any rent. A week later, I got a job at a gas station, and learned how to live independently. In the past year, I’ve learned how to cook, do laundry, and buy my own groceries!

My favourite thing to do when I shop at your store is introduce myself to women. Although no one has said yes (yet) to going out with me, I am not discouraged by this. I believe that if I ask 1,000 women out for coffee, the odds are very good that one will say yes!

In addition to meeting women, I also like looking at other people’s shopping carts when I buy my groceries. In the past six weeks, I’ve noticed a strong correlation between the amount of processed foods in people’s carts and the body mass of the person pushing the cart. I have a theory that this correlation is in fact causation.

As a case in point, I was at your store last Sunday, and saw a 300-pound man exploring the dairy section. I looked at his cart and counted three boxes of Fruity Loops, a box of crackers, three meat-lovers pizzas, a box of Hungry Man classic fried chicken, a bag of white rice, a package of pepperoni, and a can of Diet Coke. I politely asked the man: “Do you think you are obese because of your food choices?” What happened next, I did not see coming! The man swore at me, ran over my foot with his cart, and then he snatched my lactose-free yogurt out of my hand, which was the last tub on the shelf!

I don’t want to file a complaint against the fat man because I’m confident karma (or heart disease) will get him eventually, but I’m hoping you can answer a question for me. As the manager of a grocery store, I’m sure you have expert knowledge on all the products that you carry. Can you confirm if eating processed foods is linked to weight gain? If eating these products is why I’ve gained 50 pounds in the past year, I will have to start making different food choices, or perhaps eat less.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Roger Tuckerman

Before you go, I would like to send you a free eBook