Why Homework Should Be Banned

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From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: darwin.high@ntschools.net
Subject: Ban Homework NOW!

Dear Principal,

My son Randolph is in grade ten, and I’m upset at how much homework you’ve been giving him. Studying for tests is taking a toll on his physical and mental health. I think he’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

The reality is, my son has no time for homework. Like most millennials his age, he spends three hours a day on his cell phone and four hours a day watching Netflix. How is he supposed to do two hours a day of homework? It’s impossible! Do the math!

Studying for tests is so stressful for my boy that he often becomes hysterical and eats three bags of potato chips, two plates of French fries and a baked potato to calm himself down. Due to his extreme potato diet, he weighs 200 pounds despite being only five-foot two.

Worse still, no girls at your school will date him because he’s too fat. His ass is so big I had to special order jeans from Chubster. If he didn’t have to do so much homework, he could lose 50 pounds by going to hot yoga!

What’s the point of homework anyway? Randolph’s career goal is to be a taxi driver. Do you really think studying for a test is going to prepare him to get a class four driver’s license! I don’t think so!

Going to high school should be a no-stress experience: Just show up, sit down and listen! Students don’t need to “prove” they’ve learned anything. What’s the point of spending hours trying to memorize “useless” academic knowledge? All it proves is you can remember stuff, which years later, you will totally forget!

I’m asking that you ban homework immediately! If you don’t, I will have no choice but to transfer Randolph to school in Sweden that has banned all tests. If a student never gets a bad grade, it’s very good for their self-esteem!

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


Also by Christopher Lindsay ⇒ The Donkey King and Other Stories

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Why I Love “Useless” University Courses

useless college degrees 3

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Why I Love “Useless” University Courses

Dear Editor,

A lot of the courses you take at University are completely “useless” if you want to get a job. However, unlike non-academic people, I love “useless” courses, and I plan to take as many of them as possible, as long as I can keep getting student loans!

As a high school graduate, my job prospects are bleak. But if I keep borrowing money, and taking “useless” University courses, I can escape my greatest fear: to be a wage slave in a fast food restaurant or retail store!

When I first enrolled in University, my dream job was to be a professional gambler and playboy, so I took a course called Probability and Games of Chance: Poker 101. I failed math in high school, but this course really increased my confidence. After I wrote my final exam, I flew to Las Vegas, gambled $5,000 and lost it all! That course was totally useless!

The course, however, did teach me how to calculate the odds of seducing a woman. After getting rejected 37 times, I knew the odds were in my favour, and I seduced a beautiful young woman at the poker table. I took her to my hotel room, but before we got into bed, she told me her rate was $500! People who go to casinos are so greedy!

After my trip to Vegas, I felt depressed, so I enrolled in a course called #SelfieClass. I took 99 selfies and wrote three essays about myself. At the end of the course, I did a class presentation and told everyone what happened in Vegas. The instructor said that I’m truly special! Everyone in the class smiled at me. My self-confidence was restored!

I’m now taking a course called Wasting Time on the Internet. I haven’t learned anything new yet on wasting time, but I’m in love with one of my classmates. Her name is Emily, and like me, she is addicted to her cell phone. Every Friday we go out for coffee and text each other. This “useless” course helped me find my online soul mate!

The truth is, there are no courses that are totally “useless.” When students borrow money to go to University, there are instructors, accountants, administrators, and other workers who get sick pay, free tuition and a pension. So even if you take a course that gives you no job skills, it still allows other people to financially prosper, and that’s good for economic growth!

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


My Kindle eBook ⇒ The Donkey King and Other Stories

How to Fix Daylight Savings Time

Saving-Daylight

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: premier@gov.bc.ca
Subject: How to Fix Daylight Savings Time

Dear Premier John Horgan,

Daylight savings time isn’t working for the people of British Columbia. However, I know how to fix it! Instead of moving clocks forward an hour in March, and an hour back in October, simply adjust the time by 24 hours!

Moving clocks 24 hours ahead in March would cause spring to appear earlier, reducing people’s depression from the long Canadian winters. Similarly, moving clocks back 24 hours in October would delay the arrival of winter, making it easier on people’s physical health.

What’s more, this will help reduce the Canadian doctor shortage! When people are healthier, they go to the doctor less often, and doctors will take on more patients. I’m one of five million Canadians who have no doctor, and I really need one!

In addition to making people physically and mentally unwell, daylight savings time increases the number of traffic accidents. Case in point: On Monday March 12, I was speeding to get to work because I overslept, and I smashed into a garbage truck. I totally destroyed my scooter!

A final reason to change daylight savings time is to reduce unemployment. When clocks leap forward an hour, I’m late for work every day for two weeks. Unfortunately, I haven’t found an employer yet who will put up with this, and I always get fired!

If you like my proposal to fix daylight savings time, would you be willing to credit me publicly? The notoriety will improve my employment chances. Sadly, it’s that time of year again when I’m looking for a new job.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


My Kindle eBook ⇒ The Donkey King and Other Stories

Why You Shouldn’t Shake Anyone’s Hand

handshake-free

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: editor@kamloopsthisweek.com
Subject: Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I have a dream that one day people in our city will no longer shake each other’s hands. To see this dream become a reality, I am announcing my candidacy for Kamloops City Council.

As a Councillor, I promise to do two things:

  • I will introduce a bylaw to fine people $100 if they force someone to shake their hand.
  • I will introduce a bylaw to make government offices handshake-free zones.

Handshaking is harmful for the following reasons:

  • You can catch a cold or the flu, resulting in lost work time. If you get the flu, you might even die!
  • Handshaking can cause pain that lasts for days when a man who wants to prove his manliness, shakes your hand with an iron grip. Last week, an amateur wrestler shook my hand (against my will), and my fingers still hurt really bad!

Handshaking is dangerous because many people don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, or pick their nose! I recently witnessed two men use the urinals in a men’s room and then shake each other’s hands without washing them. This inspired me to write a jingle for my election campaign, which will soon air on local radio stations. I recorded it with my own voice, and it is set to tuba and flute:

When you shake someone’s hand,
do you know where their hand has been?
There’s a disturbing possibility
their hand isn’t clean.
To stop this monstrosity,
vote for Roger Tuckerman in 2018!
I’m the anti-handshaking man,
and I have a plan!

During my election campaign, I will knock on thousands of doors and introduce people to a cultural practice that is superior to handshaking. With a smile, I will say, “This way!” then clench my hand and bump their fist.

If elected on October 20, 2018, I will make fist-bumping a normative cultural practice in our city, which a recent study found is 20 times more hygienic than handshaking.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman


My Kindle eBook: The Donkey King and Other Stories